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Better Now

Posted on by Sandy Webster

Today is a beautiful day. The men are back with several Arizona cypress and are putting them in the many holes dug along the top of the rise in the other side of the driveway. They are a nice size and will grow quickly. I will add more pictures as more plantings are put in. A massive load of mulch came two days ago and improved the site quite a bit. More pine straw also came today. The place will be looking very nice by the time they finish.

Lee is with the caregiver today. He seems a  bit more lost this week. We moved some folding camp chairs up to the garage for him to sit and watch the activities in the yard. Any changes are problematic for him so we will see how it goes.

I have gotten a bit sloppy with the drawings in the marks book. I think I am bored with it and just want to finish it up. It is also hard to not have interrupted, constantly interrupted, time to do more than I am doing. I will have to make a plan before starting the next book. I might add stitch to the next one.  It is true how calming it is to thread a needle and poke it in and out with a string trailing behind. Anyway…

We found some lettuce the other day and put it in some pots on the deck. Planting something also helps. When I can get nasturtiums to put with the parsley, sage and lettuce I will be satisfied that that is enough. The potted ivy from way back has gone nuts out there. Frost does not seem to bother it one bit.

I think my second short story is finished. It was hard getting time to get back to it.  A single porter beer should do it.  After rereading it a few more times I will put it under short stories on my website.

One thing I found most interesting was, when out of curiosity, I wondered if the childhood camp I was sent to about seventy years ago was still there. Yes, and with the mission of, “to improve and elevate the character of manhood.” So strange that it is still operating and has such a motto/mission that fit into my short story so well. I am not sure I liked going to summer camp. I only remember the leather lanyard making that seemed useful. But like most craft lessons with prepared materials, if you don’t have them why bother.

The cards and letters arriving this week are most appreciated. I am touched by how well the Tether Line book has been received and shared with others going through similar difficulties. Thank you.

Now maybe a glass of wine to watch out an open window the men planting trees.

Til later….

Some Days Are Simply Exhausting!

Posted on by Sandy Webster

I had planned to be in the apartment today finishing off my short story. No. The caregiver was later than usual, then someone else showed up late. I get that she had a long ways to travel and that our regular one just cancelled this morning but I wish they would call. Monday no one showed up as promised so I called to hear them say they were sorry but working on a replacement. . .  again. None came.

So I could make my blood letting appointment. No food or drink all day. I go in early only to find they are at lunch.  With our regular caregiver who always shows up early to give me extra time, and me mistakenly counting on that, I had planned to do the grocery shopping before my appointment. No again. I had to do it afterwards.

And while I wait in the office for blood to be taken I have to fill out one of those electronic forms on how I am feeling. The kind you have to keep jabbing at the answer before it moves on to the next. I wanted to throw it across the room…but didn’t. Instead I answered questions that bordered on appearing suicidal. In other words I did not say “fine”. I did not say “okay”.

Then when the nurse taking blood does her nursely thing by saying, “How ya doin, hon?’ I was glad to have the mask on so tears got soaked up as quickly as I said, “Fine.” while looking away. Then I left, did the groceries without the list I carefully made out and left at home. I was glad no one I knew was in the store. One more “How ya doin?” and I would have just left without the few things I could remember.

The yard men and large pile of mulch are here when I get home but the nice trees promised to hide the neighbor could not be found after all. Holes are dug and waiting. We spend a half hour looking for a nozzle for the air compressor so they can pump up the tires on the the dump gator that has been tucked away in the garage. Lee used to drive it around and I have hidden the key so he was not tempted to drive through a wall.

When I got home he was napping and the caregiver was watching him. He seems a bit further down this week. So we make a good pair. He just wants to go home and I just want to go away.

Yesterday we worked on piling up rocks and both came back up very sore.

I work on my drawings but see changes reflected by my mood of late.

I just keep drawing over lines until it looks more like what I had in my head. The simplicity combined with a level of ignorance is quite satisfying.

And yesterday after going to get our takeout dinner and sitting with gin and tonics, I had time to open the package from Australia. It is Andie’s Covid walks. All folded and put into a leather pouch.

A lovely card with an image of one of her many boats often assembled in one of my workshops. All the animals and birds she gets to see on these walks! I love this gift. And it was wrapped in the poetry page from her newspaper.

Do we even have such things in American newspapers? I think not! We are the masters of dumbing down in this country. Just look who people vote into office. Look at our unwillingness to have gun controls and what it cost us on a daily basis. And today one of the dumber ones parked right in front of the cart return section. At that point I so wanted to just look up and scream to high heaven. Good thing I held back and got home without being hauled in for causing a scene in the Ingles parking lot.

Things will be better tomorrow. Another caregiver may or may not show up and I will or will not get over here with four hours of writing.

Til then….

First day of Spring

Posted on by Sandy Webster

This is right now..blossoms out the window in the woods. But earlier this week:

Rain and clouds to match the mood here. Caregivers did not show twice. Lee left with no way to get outside. But one day without rain he pulled at the wooden pieces that he put there to hold grape vines until they and that section of vines are now gone. If he doesn’t see leaves, it must be dead. No worries. The yard men are coming to put trees and mulch down next week.

Lee also had a tooth extracted yesterday and recovered quickly. A person could go a bit mad trying to explain to a person with dementia that they need to have a tooth out. I just had to go all in and say that if it didn’t come out then all the teeth left would start falling out causing great pain. He got that, liked the ones who told him to hold still and congratulated him on how well he did and then proceeded to tell me over and over how glad he was that I took care of getting him there….a full ride of one and one half hours’ gratitude.

I also had time to write an explicit email to family on exactly how the day goes here from awakening to collapsing into bed. Then they can decide on when to come down after we are all vaccinated. Just not all at once. Those types of holidays are over. Way too much confusion. As our son put it, “We want to be a distraction, not a disruption.”  Perfect.  Also our friend who is like family will come down if I ever need surgery to look after both of us with a caregiver. My annual physical is coming up and of course I wake in the night with thoughts of tragic discoveries. Wish I could keep my imagination in check! But I feel good that she will make the sacrifice.

And the marks book continues.

My counter stools came back from upholsterers and all dining room chairs are now in their hands. An excellent job and I did not have to buy new stools.

After looking at my last post with pictures of my studio I think I need to get rid of things…seriously get rid of things. Of course the first thing I did this morning was buy more linen. It was on sale and who wouldn’t want to wear a pair of pants in “dark lotus”?

But as family arrive with empty cars and trucks they can take some of the things away. Artwork or parts that could be.  After they make their selection I will toss the rest. A while back I had asked the new director of the folk school near here to consider using the barn to host a large garage sale for local artists to unload usable equipment and materials to others looking for same. But it never came to fruition and I can no longer take part if it did, so time to toss. I don’t live in a spot that lends itself to garage sales and again, those days are gone.

A promise from caregiver agency that I will get my four afternoons this next week. But after last week, I wait until I see them before packing up my stuff to escape to the apartment.

Well, the leaking fish pond should be full by now. It takes twice as long because I have to use a different hose. Lee took a decided dislike to the old one that was quicker. And it is getting on lunch time…something mushy for Lee.  Something I can eat quickly for me. Always have to be ready to fix something.

Til later…

Escaping Again

Posted on by Sandy Webster

 

I have escaped over here to the apartment which is just a bit down the driveway from our house above. My studio is on the lower level and today I went down there to take pictures of how neglected it looks.

Where I wrote and read.

Where I carved wooden blocks and thought about weaving.

Where I piled things and kept frames for work as it finished.

Where I put things.

Linens waiting to be sewn up.

And the tai chi wire and rock figures that remind me how long it has been……almost five years.

And when I leave this house to find somewhere that lets me be myself in a world of others trying to hang on, this most certainly will come with me.

Lee found it at the dump not long after we moved here in 1993. I remember the man wrote it on a store carton of some paper product. He framed it with lumber scraps and then painted it. How long it sat in his yard before he either gave up or she showed up, is anyone’s guess. I always loved his curly “G”s and the need to place periods here and there. He himself must have also been very serious.

It has been a constant reminder of my own shortcomings and will have a much more prominent place than the washroom of my studio.

I did get the Marks drawings finished up.

Some of these black pens seem to have an endless supply of ink in them!

I finally threw out all the sticks I put on the table last November.  Now that old pitcher is filled with forsythia.

I keep a copy of Trusting the Tether Line book on the table to put the thank you notes from those who received one. My memoir writing instructor was especially pleased to get one as I did so little memoir writing in her class. Others have emailed me their thanks and comments on the poems that most resonate with them. I am glad I wrote it and have kept two back for our children to read later on.

Below are two gifts that came in the mail yesterday from recipients of the book.

From Rosie in Australia a book for me to “sing along as you draw.” It is a continuous sheet from those old piano rolls that has covers of handmade papers from her sister, Barb, (also a recipient of the book) and a contact printed silk bag to keep my songs in. It all is the weight of a feather and I look forward to using it. So thoughtful and all the way from down under. Such a perfect gift! I must say the support, good wishes and countless cards with small gifts to lift my spirits has been wonderful coming from friends down there. The other beautiful thing to come in the mail yesterday was the contact printed card seen here. It is from a friend in St. Louis who when last seen, we were gathered around a dining table sharing poetry after dinner. Her words in the card are a reminder of why I miss her and others in St. Louis who I used to see often. I hope we get some of those times back, if only for a little while.

Now I have a little over two hours to get back to my next short story. And just a note of thanks to Gwen for her enthusiasm over the last one. Those kind of responses make me want to keep at it.

Til later…