Waiting for Enlightenment

Posted on by Sandy Webster

I took this picture at the dam yesterday. Doesn’t it have the look of something wonderful about to happen?  Well I am still waiting.

There is nothing so wrenching as the sounds of sobbing through a call from thousands of miles away.  And then you struggle so hard not to join in as they tell you that someone you cared deeply about is gone.  After you hang up there is the steady flow of tears that make you think, “I can get this over with if I just keep at it for a bit longer.”

I actually was able to collect a few….and that is not easy to do when you are guessing which part of your face the next one is heading for. I am using a very thin plastic vial with a screw on top. Isn’t that funny to say how to catch tears. I know it sounds a bit nuts but looking at the tiny amount seems a victory of some sort. I have physical proof of a feeling!

Yesterday I did my drawing a day with haiku for our friend, Andy. I used the green earth pigment he had bought in Italy and gave me the last time he was in town.

Our need for brightness

is often beyond what the

sunflower can give.

His partner told me that she was using my small editioned poetry book, Distance Matters, to help her get through these past weeks of caring for Andy. She said she was going to settle on one to always remember. I think this one would be a good one for her and us too.

Inner Navigations

We do not plan

the journey 

of our interiors,

but 

hold steady, go slow

and ride the tide

into harbors

of memory.

S. Webster

 

And I received this message from a friend asking about my wanting to make donuts like I used to have at cider mills in Michigan…..what I tried from her recipe did not taste anything like I wanted them to and she said this,

……..but I got thinking about fond memories….if we were able to revisit, would they be as we remembered them or as we recreated them over the years?….would we be disappointed? Or are they better just left alone ….to remember as we want?

I am leaving those donuts alone. Now the failed ones are in the freezer waiting to be reincarnated as something delicious with poached egg and cheese with bacon. A new memory that may or may not be a good one…..depending on the taste.

And I am keeping Andy in a safe harbor to revisit many times. For now he is helping me fill a vial of evidence that he mattered very much.

Here is a picture I took this morning. I looked at all these variations of earth pigments and remembered how I used to not hesitate to scramble down to places like this and carefully put them in other containers. Evidence again of collecting and having been something that mattered…..in this case, a place.

I should have kept my collecting to these small vials of tears and places. Instead I now am trying to find ways to rid myself of too many things. A simple apothecary cupboard would have been so much better.

And I am learning to unpack my suitcases full of plans that made so much sense a few months ago but now are weighing me down with their expectations. I will let you know how that goes.

Here is a final tip on collecting your tears. Keep two vials, one upstairs where life goes on and the other down stairs where you can completely lose yourself to sadness for just the briefest of time as you try to write about it.

Gotta go, Lee is back overhead so his wandering the yard must have come to a close.

Til later.

 

Busy Work to Keep Calm

Posted on by Sandy Webster

I made small bits of four watercolors the other day. I am going to use these in my journal of a drawing a day for October. The drawings come with a haiku if I can fit it in.

Here is the first one. Still feeling a bit of the sadness this past couple of weeks and having those blues so handy, I wrote a fitting haiku.

Blue has colored the

tears flowing into seas of

uncontrolled sadness.

Tomorrow I will use the greens in a haiku drawing about the herb seasoning salt Lee helped me make today.

You start with loads of peeled garlic….Lee’s job.

And add a goodly amount of coarse salt.

All of this must be chopped by hand….a chopper would pulverize it too much.

When it is hard to find a piece of garlic in the mix you add the herbs. In this case we gathered whatever we still had after a very dry past few months. Rosemary, thyme, oregano, mint, basil, sage….no stems.

Then chop the herbs into the garlic salt mix in small manageable amounts at a time. You have to do this until your hands ache and there are no distinguishable  herb leaves.

Spread out on a sheet and place on the porch away from critters for several days until it is completely dry.

It is worth the achy hands to have the house filled with the smell of garlic and herbs. We are hoping to bottle some up for Christmas gifts. It is the perfect herb collection to cook with. Sometimes I will just use rosemary and other times just sage, but this year was not the best for anything but rosemary that loves the dry conditions.

This kept Lee busy for about an hour or two. That was a good thing. Here are some ideas for those dealing with a partner who has dementia.

  1. Keep a sense of humor and say something funny to break a sad mood even if it makes no sense at all.
  2. Keep to a routine. There are days we go to lunch. We only take walks in the early morning. We go to the grocery store and feed store after the grocery shopping is done and before we head home.
  3. Take advantage of the calming effects of alcohol….in moderation. A half beer with lunch. Some wine before dinner or a very short glass of Southern Comfort for him while I have a good glass of single malt.
  4. This is your life now. This is his life now. Take deep breaths and remember that maybe someday you can go back to doing the things you miss terribly right now.
  5. If you burst into tears don’t worry he will forget you did a few minutes later……and so will  you.
  6. All the jobs he used to do are now your responsibility. If you can’t do them, get help.
  7. Don’t count on friends showing up to do these things. They won’t. Pay someone.
  8. I can lift 50 lb bags of seed and pour them into his feed cans. When I can’t, I will buy seed in smaller bags or take buckets to the back of the car, slash a bag and transfer it all a bucket at a time.
  9. Remember to start his vehicle every few days to avoid having to hook it to a charger.
  10. Don’t ask what you can do for him….just do something because he can’t tell you when words don’t come.
  11. Fix meals that are easy for him to eat. Use a large plate regardless of what goes on it because he is going to want to cut all of it up into small pieces.
  12. Remember to say something funny, make up a story….don’t lose patience anymore than you have to….it only makes you both feel bad.

So that is it…..well a start anyway.

Til later.

The Gifts of Kind Letters and a New Artwork

Posted on by Sandy Webster

This is such an interesting image. One of the girls I gave some of my own artwork to at the craft shop rather than take it back home gave me small framed work of her own as a gift the other day. It is graphite and charcoal.  Off to the side a little girl sits in a tub of water. I think she is me. I was bathed in a galvanized tub like this when I was about her age. She stares out at the viewer and waits for someone to come back and take care of her.

Actually I just love this image. The fact that it is tones of grey and a bit blurry make it all the more mysterious. I like how she looks capable of handling her needs all by herself if someone would just give her the soap, cloth and towel. She just sits there waiting with almost the enigmatic smile of Mona Lisa.

When I photographed it to write about I noticed that my own image is superimposed over the little girl. So now I love the photo even as much as the artwork. She hangs in the hall filling a space that always bothered me between two composite drawings I did of Lee and I….our life in all the parts of importance at the time…..maybe ten years ago.

I chose to draw pictures of all the things we felt were important to our identity at the time. Here I am with all the steps of making earth pigment paints, my favorite scotch and glass that Lee made me from a wine bottle, my tai chi and yoga practice, trees, the influences of Australia, weaving, actually twining with an emphasis on shaped first letters of my family’s names, dinner parties, writing, drawing.

And Lee.

His favorite cat, Spooky, his garden, stone work around his black bamboo, bee hives, cooking eggs Benedict, building shelves where needed, making his own beer, feeding the deer, wood turning, collecting honey.

These were fun to do. A way of saying, “Here we are!” Now they say to me, “There we were.” And aren’t we lucky to have done so much, so many things that have brought us so much joy. We still have many jars of his honey stashed in the storage room that I kept forgetting to give away. The art group was the main recipient of that honey and now even they have gone….but leaving some very good memories behind.

And as to the kind letters. My Australian friends have been so wonderful taking the time to keep in touch and lift me up with kindness. I will remember their words when I next have to heft a battery charger, clean out a scuzzy pond filter, retrace Lee’s steps to find a tool or his sunglasses. Their words come at an especially needed time as so many of us have had to say goodbye to a long time friend down under.

And the emails from friends here in the States who say they think I am doing a good job dealing with the changes that Lee and I are going through. Thank you.

And Adele is right, it is hard being “it” when there is no one else to talk to.

So I just talk here. Kind people are listening.

Now back to Lee who is short of weeder eater cord by now….and a cleaned studio waiting for that collograph plate to be put together.

Til later when I have something to show for those efforts.

 

 

 

 

 

Thoughts with Pictures

Posted on by Sandy Webster

This morning on our walk at the dam. I love the subtle shades of blue as the hills recede. Here are just a few more pictures from our walk there the past couple of weeks.

I love the color of the boulders supporting the dam.

And the grasses along the paved walkway.

And these that we collected some of last year that were dried out so I could use them to make “trees” in collographs.

Lee is having a nap now so I can have time to write this blog. This morning we spread twenty bags of mulch…and I still need more. He did some weeder eating. I learned how to start his truck that the battery had run down on. I knew I should have been starting it every so often once it was removed from the garage, parked by the shed with a brand new battery, but I didn’t. Frankly I just did not want to add one more thing to the list. But I learned how to open the hood, find the battery, connect the right clips, find an extension cord, plug it all in, wait, start the truck, run it forward and then backward, park it again, put all the equipment away. The battery charger is heavy and I really hate having to learn how to do all these things….all these things that before his dementia I just had to ask Lee to take care of. Yesterday I had to locate the window washer fluid holder under my own hood and fill it up. So many things I never had to do before. It has been a tough realization that there is no one else but me. The magic fix it, how can I help man, is simply not coming by.

I will just add it to the rest of new things to look after. I will add it to changing the filter on the fish pond, refilling the fish pond, recharging the yard tool batteries, locating wherever he put the tools when he got tired. It is not an endless list but it constantly grows and I marvel that I can fit it all in and still get a good nights sleep and some of my own work done.

For those who did not see the posting on facebook here is the finished shirt. I wore it to the brewery yesterday for our weekly lunch out.

A detail.

I am not doing a lot in the studio but would like to try some more collographs next week. For now I need to clear the space of all the sewing things. Then I can start something new. And I have convinced myself that I can drop what I am doing, even covered with ink, and go start up the weeder eater or pull out more cord or go get the other charged battery without getting upset. It is a waste of time and energy to get bothered about helping Lee. It is also pretty darn selfish. I am the only one there is to help him right now and he is so pleased to get the small chore he has set for himself finished or at least part way finished. Every day he looks forward to “getting back at it”. He just needs a bit of help.

And I might even be having a student in the studio learning white line printmaking soon. He has been with me before and understands the limited time I might have but seems so pleased to be able to learn the technique. And I am really happy to have someone to pass on one of my favorite ways of making prints. I miss teaching.

Not much else going on. I bought two bottles of single malt scotch yesterday in case a fellow scotch person just happens by. But I doubt that will happen. So I will have plenty for later when the holidays come round. And there is always the every few weeks “scotch talk”  over the phone with my son. Sometimes just saying things out loud makes them disappear.

So til later when I might have a few new prints to show.