The Order of Things

The morning river walk in a steady mist offered this view of a vine just hanging there looking like a story needed telling and then a cheerful note as I walked back to the car.

I went by the coffee shop to get a takeaway coffee but they were closed due to it being a holiday. Being alone I have lost track of holidays, days seem to just run into each other and I lose some of them.

Later after finishing my drawing I took these pictures out the windows.

I feel so distant from my home now. I have done all the clinical work of drawing the new house plan to scale, measuring every piece of furniture and fitting it into that plan. There is no sadness when I think of leaving here. Those emotions went when Lee was settled into a care home. This house was our last big project together and I was going to leave the documentation of that building process via my journal to the new owners. But I decided against that. They would likely only be interested in the cost of our appliances sixteen years ago and miss the subtext of two people building their dream house with every intention of living the rest of their lives in this one place.

There are other books about this house I will take with me like this one using earth pigments from my yard to watercolor the white line prints of my yard, titled Home Colors.

And another wood block story of my front yard.

I loved figuring out how to make 3D images for each section and then having them fold onto each other to close the book/story.

These and all my books will go with me and be kept where I can reach out and touch them whenever I need to remember being here with Lee. It is hard some days to pack his things away. Here is the last rock he brought into the house…a small red one after trying for several days to bring in big ones to start one of his lines of rocks in the house. I said it was lovely and we should save it here. I have not been able to move it yet.

It sits atop a rock a friend sent from Alaska and that one sits on one a friend brought back with others from New York for me to roll shifu threads on. Next to it is a rock my dear friend from graduate school gave me from her home in Canada.  All these rocks will go with me plus those in a snake form in the yard near the large Japanese stone lantern (also going) and all those lovely round ones my daughter and her partner brought down for me to hold and move about just a couple of months ago.

Thinking of Lee today I went to our bedroom and pulled three things from his wooden bowl of things dropped in. One of those emptying pockets wood bowls that he turned in his shop. A pair of reading glasses, a bottle opener and a pocket watch I cannot open. It is a nice page I think.

I added scraps of cloth to the page. Tomorrow I will find something on my walk to draw next. I might just pour an early glass of wine and start another short story. It is that kind of day…..

Til later…

The sky has been amazing out at the dam this morning and earlier this week.

And two days ago back to the Riverwalk trail that heads through the woods. I wanted to see if there was much damage with the flood waters a few days before. There wasn’t. The water just pushed through and went down to its previous level. Very foggy starting out and I was glad to see others eventually getting their walks and runs in.  A bit dark and foggy at 7 a.m.

I have to wait until it is light enough to see to feed the deer waiting down below before I can head out for the morning walks. So I don’t get there as soon as I would like. When I move I won’t be feeding the deer so I can get an earlier start. My new place will be closer to the dam and where Lee is. There are the same people walking at each place and I have been able to practice talking with them. We talk about their dogs, Lee, the weather. Safe topics in the time of rampant Covid brought on in no small part by an idiocy that has gripped parts of the South.

If I don’t converse with our cats during the day, my voice leaves me and I have to clear my throat before answering the phone. Mostly the calls are marketing recordings but when they are not, I do sound rather creepy. I gave the house appraiser pause the other day when he wanted to come out and go over the house the following day. That went very well by the way and I look forward to what they come up with in value so I can start the building process. My loan has been approved but I need to know what my house is worth long before it goes on the market. The appraisers advised me like everyone else to not put it on the market if I did not have a place to go. Houses are selling well in the area now. There is still so much else to do here. Filling closets with packed boxes, making sure what furniture the kids want to take, etc.

The builder gave me the measurements for the rooms and I am enlarging them on graph paper to make sure the furniture I want will fit in the rooms. I have decided to put the television inside a closet with bifold doors so I don’t have to look at it in the den, but I need to make sure the builder puts the wiring in the closet as well. The walk in closet is so big off the master bath that I asked him to put an outlet in there so I can put my Migun bed in there. Won’t that be great? Take a shower and then get a massage before getting dressed? Good thing I got rid of most of my clothes.

I look forward to building one more time. The ceilings are a foot higher than most of the ceilings here, but I will surely miss the vaulted ceilings that have allowed me to have creative wall space. The builder and I talked about that but the peak runs in the opposite direction of what would look good. So now I am looking closely at what artwork goes with me.  And frankly I am sorry not to have buried more than just exhibition pieces. One piece will have to be sawed in half to fit into a garbage bag for the trash but it will be easy to dispose of other pieces that way.

All my rugs will fit into rooms at the new place. I am hoping to put a dresser inside a closet in the guest room just to save floor/wall space for a bookcase that Lee made. I need to have the builder give me the exact measurement inside closets that still allows for the doors to have clearance inside as they angle open. The big additional cost will be all new appliances and deliveries on those is somewhat difficult at times. The builder said they will find a place to store them if I order before needed. He is quite amenable to work with.

My king size bed will go to a new home so I can buy a nice double or full size bed with matching trunks for night stands. I have decided to start reading in bed when I move. Never was able to do that before. If I don’t sell my etching press before I go I will take it with me. A studio space will be set up in the garage for carving blocks and printing.

Here are the last two days’ drawings. Lee’s grapes this year.

And a favorite piece of folk art and the large clay crow from Ted Cooley.

There are not too many pages left in this journal so I need to get out another blank one. I am thinking soft water colored abstract images that go all the way to the edges. It would be a good change for me and might lend themselves to illustrations for stories or poems.

I am going back to my graph paper.

Til later……

Pictures from my last walk out at the dam. It was foggy and humid but a good walk as usual.

Then rain kept me pacing around the house until I got the same number of steps as if I went out to walk the river or the dam. It is a bit boring but I just put myself on autopilot and keep stepping. Then this morning the weather report was that the rain was over so out I went to the river to get wet with a refreshing continual drizzle. It felt good to be out even if I had to sidestep puddles.

I did not pick up any new bits of Nature for my bowl.

But love picking through it for drawing subjects.

This morning I received a recorded call from the care center where Lee is that Covid has been found there. I called his nurse and she said his section is fine and they are far away from where there are positive cases. He has had his vaccines but it is still scary when so many covidiots live in our area. Just yesterday I heard of a fellow taking cow deworming medicine everyday to stay “safe”.

And another horror story from a hospital where a couple coming in to get routine tests refused to wear a mask and were asked to wait outside after another masked patient asked why they were not masked. The husband’s response was he did not care about other people, only himself. Once outside they argued with each other and came in to say they were vaccinated. Asked to show their cards they said they left them at home. Soon after they were asked to leave, but the stain of these people is left on all of us. It is so hard to grasp the low level of civility and common sense we live among.

My hairdresser, also not vaccinated, claims she has a built in immunity to Covid and so do her parents. I reminded her that there are absolutely no beds available at the hospitals because of others who thought the same way. She remained unconvinced of any pending danger to herself, parents or others.

We live in very trying times that make me want to hide at home with a good book, sketch journal and trips only to go outside to walk in Nature. I am back to wearing a mask at the grocery store and only going there if it is close to the opening of 7 a.m.

Now back to clearing out closets.

Til later…..

I had the very best outing yesterday. Friends picked me up to take me with them to a local winery. It was reminiscent of the back country road wineries I so often went to in Australia. And like down under, the wine was actually very good. We started with a bubbly champagne of sorts and then moved on to a very good rich red. I even brought a bottle of the latter one home for later. I will definitely go back. If for no other reason than to shake the hand of the vintner. It was such a warm and firm handshake. It felt good after maybe two years of not having that type of contact.

Last week I cruised my new neighborhood to be and someone living there actually waved to me. I can’t remember the last time someone waved to me. Where I live now it is not one with neighbors who would wave because no one sees each other that often. And since Lee has left here, the isolation is even more acutely felt. But things are moving along quite well with the relocating. The bank has approved a loan large enough to get my new house built and I will stay put and continue to clear thing out before putting this house on the market close to moving in day.

It is so odd to see how I have disassociated myself from here since Lee has gone. I will not miss being here. It is work, lots of work and there are no close attachments to those living in this neighborhood. It is a perfect home for someone else who can throw themselves into making memories like those I have of building and making a home to entertain friends and family.

As I go through the house deciding what I want to take with me, I see much more that will not. Amy and Patrick will take most of what is not going with me. They will get movers to take the lot back to a storage unit in their own state to wait for their new places with empty rooms. In the meantime I am to make a list of all that goes into that moving van or the backs of their cars on their trips down to lend a hand.

This morning three very heavy extra garbage bags went with me to the trash. There is such pleasure on early Sunday mornings loading up the back of my SUV and then lifting it out and up over the edge of the tip bin. The sound of it all banging on the bottom (because I wait until the weekly pick up truck has left just before I get there) is very satisfying. There are such interesting discoveries under the cat hair and dust bunnies of my closets….often with the question, “Why am I saving THAT?”

The early morning walks clear my head for what I need to decide to rid myself of that day.

And the only things I bring inside are the bits so beautiful they need to be drawn into my journal.

The large wooden bowl in the center of the dining room table fills with these pieces until I can get to them. Day before yesterday I found some bits from Australia stuck behind the teapot in the cupboard. Half of them are on this page. The other half are waiting to go in next.

I have stitched up more patches for the journal. When I finish with this one I will go get one of the large blank journals I made years ago and work with watercolors illustrating the muddling of my mind as I make decisions…it will be a conversation of sorts.

Lee is pretty much the same. When I called to check the other day he was still able to eat all of his meals, wheel himself around and was busy talking to his cat. The one they gave him that meows back and occasionally scratches itself. It is a very kind place for him.

Friends are coming mid September from St. Louis. They will spend a few days in the studio and their husbands will hike and maybe do some kitchen duty. I think I will make a lasagna for the freezer, make sangria, stock up on shrimp and pasta and sandwich fixings. And maybe lay out some poetry books to read from after dinner.

Speaking of reading, I finished Louise Penny’s latest Inspector Gamache novel today. I like how she can keep a story going. And appreciate the distraction her books give me. But I need to start making the lists as I go from room to room noting what goes with me and what goes off to the kids. I also need to get back to the builder to answer some questions about getting me closer to a different life.

Another short story might get written as I try escaping lists and garbage bags

Til later…..